Make Us Laugh!
I say, I say I say . . . For every jocular comment posted on this thread today, we’ll send a £5 donation over to Comic Relief.
So send us your funnies, or not as the case may be.
We can be the judge of that.
In the spirit of the event, sarcastic comments about other peoples’ gags count.
Go on, dig into your inner Tarbuck.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
The parrots eat them all!
two peanuts walking down the road…
one was a salted…
I walked into a bar the other day.
I said “Ouch”.
It was an iron one.
(Sorry!
An SQL statement walks into a bar and spots a couple of well formed tables. He strolls over to them, with a charm that only SQL statements possess….
“Can I join you?”
Q. Why do cows wear bells…
A. Because their horns don’t work
Adrian found that one funny in Rocky II
Sherlock Holmes and Watson go on camping trip. In the middle on the night Shelock turns to Watson and says, “Watson, look around you. What does this scene tell you.”
Watson looked around. “It tells me that will live in a beautiful world with the moon shinning down on us. Makes me feel very small as I look up at all these stars and how far away they are but at the same time it makes me appreciate life more. Why, what does it tell you Sherlock?”
Sherlock looks up to the sky. “Watson; It tells me that someone has stolen the tent.”
Why do Marxists always drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
There are these two cats swimming across the river. One was called “OneTwoThree”, and the other called “UnDeuxTrois”.
Which one got across the river first?
“OneTwoThree” of course, because the UnDeuxTrois cat sank.
What did the Bee say when he returned to the hive?
“Honey, I’m Home!”
Q. How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. It should only take one of us.
Ba-dum-ch!
Q. Did you hear about the fight in the biscuit tin?
A. The Bandit hit the Yo Yo with a Club, tied it up with a Blue Ribbon, and got away in a Taxi!
Two monkeys in a bath. One says “Ooohh, ooohh, ooohh”.
The other one says “Put some fucking cold in, then.”
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIITHANKYOU.
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
An egg
I went to see the doctor and said “doctor Ifeel like a pair of curtains”
He said “oh shut up and pull yourself together”
Q: how do you turn a duck in to a soul singer?
A: put it in a microwave until its bill withers…
What’s an archaeologist?
Someone who’s career is in ruins.
The financial crisis explained in simple terms…..........................
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow herloyal customers – most of whom are unemployed alcoholics – to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans). Word gets around and as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi’s bar.
Taking advantage of her customers’ freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively. A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi’s borrowing limit. He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.
At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.
One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently fired, due of course to his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi’s bar.However they cannot pay back the debts. Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy. DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%.
The suppliers of Heidi’s bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.
The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties. The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.
Finally, an explanation that can be understood!...
A neighbour sees the little girl next door digging a hole in her garden.
The neighbour asks “What are doing there little girl?”
The little girl replies: “I’m burying my Goldfish”
The neighbour says “Awwwwh that’s an AWFULLY big hole for a liddle Goldfish”
“Well he’s in your fucking cat”.
Why do they call it plan b?
Because it’s a real stinger!
Why did the pervert cross the road ? Because he couldnt get his nob out of the chicken…!
Knock knock! Who is there? Dr! Dr who I know it’s bad but tim is donating five quid so go to be worth it!
Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains?
Pull your self together man!
-My dog has got no nose.
*How does it smell?
-Terrible !
Right then, that’s your lot. £115 duly donated.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves!